At some point in our lives， almost every one of us will have our heartbroken。
在人生中的某個時點，幾乎每個人，都會遇到心碎的狀況。
My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school。
我的病人卡西還在中學時就規劃了她的婚禮。
She would meet her future husband by age 27， get engaged a year later and get married a year after that。
她遇到未來老公的時間會是在二十七歲時，一年後他們會訂婚，再一年後結婚。
But when Kathy turned 27， she didn‘t find a husband。
但當卡西二十七歲時，她沒有找到老公。
She found a lump in her breast。
她找到的，是胸部的腫塊。
She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries， and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world， she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again。
她經歷了很多個月的辛苦化療，以及痛苦的手術，接著，就在她準備要回來約會時，她在另一邊的胸部發現了腫塊，整個過程都得再重來一次。
Kathy recovered， though， and she was eager to resume her search fora husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in。
不過，卡西恢復了，她很熱切地想繼續尋找她的老公，她打算等眉毛長回來就馬上行動。
When you’re going on first dates in New York City， you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions。
當你在紐約市去赴第一次約會，你得要有眉毛才能夠表現出很多種情緒。
Soon afterwards， she met Rich and fell in love。 The relationship was everything she hoped it would be。
沒多久之後，她遇見了雷奇，陷入熱戀。這段感情完全是她所希望的那樣子。
Six months later， after a lovely weekend in New England， Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant。
六個月之後，在新英格蘭度過了 一個美好的週末之後，雷奇訂了他們最喜歡的浪漫餐廳。
Kathy knew he was going to propose， and she could barely container excitement。
卡西知道他要求婚了，她興奮難耐。
But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night。 He broke up with her。
但那晚，雷奇並沒有向卡西求婚。他和她分手了。
As deeply as he cared for Kathy —— and he did —— he simply wasn‘t in love。
儘管他對卡西的關心很深 ──他真的關心過──但他就是沒有愛上她。
Kathy was shattered。
卡西很震驚。
Her heart was truly broken， and she now faced yet another recovery。 But five months after the breakup， Kathy still couldn’t stop thinking about Rich。
她的心真的碎了， 她現在又要面臨一次復原。但在分手後五個月，卡西仍然無法不去想雷奇。
Her heart was still very much broken。
她的心仍然支離破碎。
The question is： Why？
問題是：為什麼？
Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got her through four years of cancer treatments？
為什麼這個極度堅強且堅定的女性，沒有辦法去整理這些和她四年癌症治療同樣的情緒來源？
Why do so many of us flounder when we‘re trying to recover from heartbreak？
為什麼有這麼多人試著從心碎中復原時，都那麼掙扎？
Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken？
為什麼明明這些處理機制能幫我們走過各種人生中的困難，卻在我們的心碎時刻，完全派不上用場？
In over 20 years of private practice， I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak， and what I’ve learned is this： when your heart is broken， the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path。
我私人執業的時間超過二十年，我見過各種年齡層、各種背景的人面臨各種心碎，而我所學到的是：當你的心碎了，你平常所仰賴的那些直覺會一而再，再而三地引導你走向錯誤的路。
You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you。
你就是不能相信你的大腦告訴你的。
For example， we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on。
比如，我們從關於心碎的人的研究得知，能清楚瞭解為什麼感情關係會結束是很重要的，可以幫我們走出來向前看。
Yet time and again， when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy， we reject it。
然而再一次，當對方給我們一個簡單誠實的解釋的時候就像雷奇給卡西的解釋，我們不願接受。
Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain， our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic。
心碎會造成非常巨大的情緒上的痛苦，我們的大腦告訴我們，它的成因一定也是同等程度的。
And that gut instinct is so powerful， it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist。
那種直覺十分強大，甚至會讓最理性、最慎重的人，都會想出些根本不存在的謎團和陰謀論。
Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship， and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was。
卡西深信，在她和雷奇浪漫之旅的過程中一定發生了什麼事，導致他對這段感情感到不快，而她變得執著在要想出原因是什麼。
And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind， searching her memory for clues that were not there。
於是，她花了無數小時，在腦中回想那個週末的每一分鐘，在記憶中尋找根本不存在的線索。
Kathy’s mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase。 But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months？
卡西的大腦騙了她，讓她開始了這場徒勞的追尋。但，是什麼強迫她投入這麼多個月的時間？
Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize。
心碎這件事比我們想象的要可怕。
There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another， even when we know it‘s going to make us feel worse。
我們一次又一次陷入迷思確實是有原因的，即使我們知道這麼做會讓我們感覺更糟糕。
Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids。
關於大腦的研究指出，脫離一段愛情所激發的大腦反應機制，和癮君子要戒可卡因或鴉片所激發的機制是一樣的。
Kathy was going through withdrawal。
卡西實際上正在經歷戒毒
。
And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich， her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him。
和雷奇分開就像不能再吸食海洛因一樣，她下意識地篩選與他有關的記憶，來當做美沙酮麻痺自己。
Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery， but what she was actually doing was getting her fix。
她的直覺告訴她，她是在試著解一個謎團，但她真正在做的事，是給自己注射毒品。
This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal。
這就是心碎難以治癒的原因。
Addicts know they’re addicted。 They know when they‘re shooting up。
癮君子知道自己有癮。他們在注射毒品時是自己有意識的。
But heartbroken people do not。 But you do now。
但心碎的人卻不知道。但你現在知道了。
And if your heart is broken， you cannot ignore that。 You have to recognize that， as compelling as the urge is， with every trip down memory lane， every text you send， every second you spend stalking your ex on social media， you are just feeding your addiction， deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery。
如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。儘管衝動很難抗拒，你仍必須瞭解，你每一次的回想，你發出的每一條簡訊，你花在社交媒體上追蹤前任的每一秒鐘，都會讓自己的毒癮膨脹，加深你情緒上的痛苦，讓你更難恢復。
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey。 It’s a fight， and your reason is your strongest weapon。
從心碎中走出來不是一次旅行。它是場戰鬥，而你的理智是你最強的武器。
There is no breakup explanation that‘s going to feel satisfying。 No rationale can take away the pain you feel。
凡是分手，都不會有令人滿意的原因。理性推理不會讓你減輕痛苦。
So don’t search for one， don‘t wait for one， just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest， because you need that closure to resist the addiction。
所以不用去找理由了，不要再等理由了，就接受你得到的理由吧，不然就自己編一個，之後不再追問，因為你需要不再想他，才能戒掉毒癮。
And you need something else as well： you have to be willing to let go， to accept that it’s over。
你還需要些別的方法：你得要願意放手，接受感情已經結束這個事實。
Otherwise， your mind will feed on your hope and set you back。
不然，你的大腦會再給你希望，讓你無法前進。
Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken。
當你心碎時，希望是非常有毀滅性的。
Heartbreak is a master manipulator。
心碎是一個操控人心的大師。
The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable。
它利用舒適當手段，讓我們的大腦去做的事，和復原所需要的完全相反，這手段很強大。
One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it。
當我們心碎時，最常見的傾向之一，就是會理想化那個讓我們心碎的人。
We spend hours remembering their smile， how great they made us feel， that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars。
我們花數小時的時間去回想他們的笑容、那笑容帶給我們的感覺有多棒，及我們爬上山在星空下溫存的時光。
All that does is make our loss feel more painful。
所有的這些都讓分手更痛苦。
We know that。
我們心裡明白。
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another， like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist。
但仍然讓我們的大腦不斷回放一個又一個美好時刻，我們好像被這Spotify播放器綁架了。
Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind。
心碎之後總是會回想那些場景
。
And so to avoid idealizing， you have to balance them out by remembering their frown， not just their smile， how bad they made you feel， the fact that after the lovemaking， you got lost coming down the mountain， argued like crazy and didn‘t speak for two days。
為了避免理想化，你得要將它們平衡掉，做法就是回想起他們皺眉的樣子，而不只是笑容、他們帶給你多不好的感覺，以及在溫存後，你們下山時迷了路，吵得非常兇，兩天都不說話。
What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you， all the bad qualities， all the pet peeves， and then keep it on your phone。
我告訴我的病人，列一份詳盡的清單，列出這個人做的所有錯事、所有不好的特質、所有惹你惱火的事，然後把那清單放在手機裡。
And once you have your list， you have to use it。
一旦你列出了清單，你得要使用它。
When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgiain a session， I go， “Phone， please。”
當我一旦察覺病人開始理想化，或僅僅在討論中出現一點點思念之情，我會說：「請拿出手機。」
Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect。 But they were not， and neither was the relationship。
你的大腦會試著告訴你他們很完美。但他們並不完美，這段感情也不完美。
And if you want to get over them， you have to remind yourself of that， frequently。
如果你想要熬過去，你就得時常提醒自己這件事。
None of us is immune to heartbreak。
我們所有人都不能避免心碎。
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company。 Five years after his wife died， he finally felt ready to start dating again。
我的病人米格，五十六歲，是軟體公司的高階主管。在他的太太過世五年後，他終於覺得準備好可以開始再次約會了。
He soon met Sharon， and a whirlwind romance ensued。
他很快就遇到了沙倫，接著展開熱戀。
They introduced each other to their adult children after one month， and they moved in together after two months。
一個月後，他們把彼此介紹給對方的成年子女認識，兩個月後，他們住到一起。
When middle-aged people date， they don’t mess around。 It‘s like “Love， Actually“ meets ”The Fast and the Furious。“
中年人約會不浪費時間。這就像《真愛至上》 遇見《速度與激情》。
Miguel was happier than he had been in years。 But the night before their first anniversary， Sharon left him。
米格比過去幾年來都更快樂。但在他們一週年的前一晚，沙倫離開了他。
She had decided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children， and she didn’t want a long-distance relationship。
她決定搬到西城，離她的孩子們近一點，而她不想談遠距離戀愛。
Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated。 He barely functioned at work for many， many months， and he almost lost his job as a result。
米格在毫無防備下受到打擊，徹底身心交瘁。許多許多個月，他幾乎無法工作，結果他差點丟了飯碗。
Another consequence of heartbreak is that feeling alone and in pain can significantly impair our intellectual functioning， especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning。 It temporarily lowers our IQ。
心碎的另一個後果，就是孤獨和痛苦的感受，能顯著破壞我們的智力運作，特別是在進行涉及邏輯和推理的複雜工作時。它會讓我們的智商暫時下降。
But it wasn‘t just the intensity of Miguel’s grief that confused his employers； it was the duration。
但讓米格的同事感到困惑的，不只是他的悲傷強度，還有其持續時間之長。
Miguel was confused by this as well and really quite embarrassed by it。
米格自己也對此感到困惑，且因此覺得很不好意思。
”What‘s wrong with me？“ he asked me in our session。 ”What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship？“
「我是怎麼搞的？」 心理治療時他這樣問我。「什麼樣的成人會花幾乎一年才能忘懷只維持一年的感情？」
Actually， many do。
其實，很多成人都如此。
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief： insomnia， intrusive thoughts， immune system dysfunction。 Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression。
心碎，有著失去和悲傷的所有共性：失眠、煩擾的想法、免疫系統紊亂。百分之四十的人群經歷過臨床可測的抑鬱。
Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury。 It impacts us in multitude of ways。
心碎是一種複雜的心理創傷。它以許多方式影響著我們。
For example， Sharon was both very social and very active。 She had dinners at the house every week。 She and Miguel went on camping trips with other couples。
比如，沙倫非常樂於社交，也非常活躍。每週她都會在家中辦晚餐會。她和米格會和其他情侶或夫妻一起外出露營。
Although Miguel was not religious， he accompanied Sharon to church every Sunday， where he was welcomed into the congregation。
雖然米格沒有宗教信仰，每個星期日他會陪沙倫去教堂，他受邀加入聖會。
Miguel didn’t just lose his girlfriend； he lost his entire social life， the supportive community of Sharon‘s church。 He lost his identity as a couple。
米格失去的不只是他的女友；他失去了他的整個社交生活，沙倫所在教會的支援性團體。他失去了身為「一對」的身份。
Now， Miguel recognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life， but what he failed to recognize is that it left far more than just one。
米格瞭解到，這次分手讓他的人生留下了一個大空缺，但他沒有發現，留下的空缺其實不只一個。
And that is crucial， not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating， but because it tells us how to heal。
那是很關鍵的一點，不單單因為它能解釋為什麼心碎這麼讓人身心交瘁，也因為它告訴我們如何能治癒。
To fix your broken heart， you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them， and I mean all of them。
要修補你破碎的心，你得要辨識出你人生中的那些空缺，並將之填補起來，我指的是全部的空洞。
The voids in your identity： you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about。
也包括在你個人身份中的空缺：你需要重新確認你是誰，你生活的意義。
The voids in your social life， the missing activities， even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang。
你社交生活中的空缺：錯過的活動，甚至是拿走照片後牆上的空白。
But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back， the unnecessary searches for explanations， idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you， indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn’t be an extra。
但這些都不會有用，但是除非不犯讓你變得消極的錯誤，不要一直去找沒必要的解釋，不關注前任的錯誤，反而將他理想化，總想著TA有多閃耀，總讓他們在你接下來的人生裡扮演重要角色，他們其實只是人生的配角了。
Getting over heartbreak is hard， but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal， you can significantly minimize your suffering。
度過心碎是很難的，但如果你拒絕被你的直覺誤導，且開始採取措施治癒自己，你就能最小化你的痛苦。
And it won‘t just be you who benefit from that。 You’ll be more present with your friends， more engaged with your family， not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided。
受惠的不只有你。你會更多地跟朋友相處，和家人更緊密，更不用說在工作上因為生產力降低而造成的數十億損失，那是可避免的。
So if you know someone who is heartbroken， have compassion， because social support has been found to be important for their recovery。
所以，如果你認識一個正在經歷心碎的人，要有同理心，因為研究發現，別人的幫助和支援能夠幫他們更好地恢復。
And have patience， because it‘s going to take them longer to move on than you think it should。
要有耐心，因為要讓他們繼續前進，花的時間會比你預期的還長。
Andif you’re hurting， know this： it‘s difficult， it is a battle within your own mind， and you have to be diligent to win。
如果你正在受傷，要知道這一點：要走出來其實非常難，它是你內心中的一場戰鬥，你必須全力以赴才能獲勝。
But you do have weapons。 You can fight。 And you will heal。
但你確實是有武器的。你可以抗爭的。你最終一定會走出來。